We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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