He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
