I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
