This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
