Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I think people are normalizing furries
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
