complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
