Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
