Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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