blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
