The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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