swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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