I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
