Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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