my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
