answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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