I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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