to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
