We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
How does one acquire holy water?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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