If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
