Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
