I CAN MOONWALK!
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
