i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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