I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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