When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
