My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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