I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
