You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
