hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
