I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
