I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
