theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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