I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
