I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
