It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
