someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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