why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
3pm strippers are depressing
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize