He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
