I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize