I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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