Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
