You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
