you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
