Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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