One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
