so that wasnt chicken after all
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize