you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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