my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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