This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
