Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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