I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
