Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize