dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Still dying that you shit outside
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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