Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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