Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Randomize
