I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
