last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
