I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
