i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He better not be in your backpack
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
