70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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