Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
