Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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