Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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